Bionic bowler being built? By Dick Evans


    United States

    Modern coaching suggestions and technology confuse scientist who seeks patent on bionic bowlers

    ColumnistDickEvans.jpg The word is filtering out that a bionic bowler is being created by a mad scientist who promises he can clone different parts of great bowlers.

    He has stolen PBA tapes and has been studying all the great bowlers in order to build the perfect bowler in time to enter him in the USBC Masters Tournament next year in Las Vegas.

    According to the best information, the mad scientist is planning to clone parts from today's stars and yesterday's greats. The information is sketchy at best, but my source says these are the bowlers being cloned:

    • Walter Ray Williams – Head
    • Tommy Jones – Right Arm
    • Parker Bohn – Left Arm and Hand
    • Dick Weber – Right Hand
    • Norm Duke – Guts
    • Mike Aulby – Personality
    • Amletto Monacelli – Legs
    • Brian Voss – Style (righthander) Dave Davis - Style (lefthander)
    • Chris Barnes – Footwork (righthander) Jason Couch – Footwork (lefthander)
    • Wes Malott – Powerful Body Frame

    My spy told me the mad scientist also wanted to clone some American women bowlers but could not find enough TV data to be scientific in his creation of a Super Woman Bowler.

    That treatment of women bowlers infuriated the mad scientist's wife and she demanded equal time and space. When she threatened to call the State department to investigate his cloned bowler, he relented and allowed her to pick her Super Woman Cloned Bowler.

    Naturally his wife had to add some personal editorial comment before announcing her selections – which the mad scientist insist are not based on any scientific information.

    Here are her own picks in her own words:

    "For the record, I would kill for Leslie's hair, Kim's freckles and Lynda's smile........... Cathy Dorin-Lizzi legs.........."

    • Head - to - toe:
    • Hair ~ Leslie Bohn
    • Eyes - Jeanne Naccarato
    • Ears - Carol Gianotti
    • Freckles - Kim Terrell
    • Cheeks - Amanda Burgoyne
    • Nose - Carolyn Dorin-Ballard
    • Mouth - Leanne Barrette
    • Smile - Lynda Barnes
    • Chin - Jeri Edwards
    • Neck - Virginia Norton
    • Arms - Shannon Pluhowski
    • Hands - Donna Adamek
    • Torso - Shannon O'Keefe
    • Waist - Missy Bellinder
    • Hips - Clara Guerrero
    • Legs - Cathy Dorin-Lizzi
    • Feet - Diandra Asbaty
    • Personality -Marianne DiRupo

    After reading his wife's picks the mad scientist said he had difficulty finding a coach to work with him on creating the world's first bionic male or female bowler.

    According to my source, who feared his bowling ball would be confiscated if he was identified, the mad scientist's coaching dilemma stemmed from stories he recently read.

    Story A: All coaches should be great bowlers or have great averages in average to coach the elite player.

    The scientist knew a little about sports and never had heard of such a concept.

    He pointed out that if Major League Baseball adopted such a regulation, then only coaches who had batted .300 in the major leagues, or whose' fastball in the majors was clocked at 90 mph could coach major league hitters or pitchers.

    Ditto on the tennis and golf circuits where a coach would have to be able to hit a serve 120 mph or hit a drive 300 yards down the fairway.

    He insisted such a rule would eliminate a majority of the coaches who work with talented players in any sport.

    Story B: New technology will allow bowling to pinpoint styles and correct mistakes.

    The mad Russian Scientist was really baffled by this scientific advancement especially when it came to taping styles.

    He had studied the styles of the great PBA players over the first 50 years and had these thoughts about unorthodox style players.

    1. Would a coach steep in fundamentals have changed the once-in-a-lifetime style of Don Carter?
    2. Would a modern day coach have approved of Mark Roth taking five, six and sometimes seven or eight steps on the way to the foul line and rolling a strike?
    3. Would a coach who believed in the traditional delivery have trained Marshall Holman to bowl out of a crouch?

    In the world of sports, a lot of true athletes with weird and unorthodox styles have gone on to great careers.

    You don't change them, you just tweak them when a small part of the timing is off.

    Another thing about the use of videos.

    Most sports teams have taped footage of when their players are on top of their games. If a baseball pitcher goes from throwing strikes to not being able to find the plate, then the coach studies the tape with the player. They look for the differences from the good outings to the bad starts and strive to regain the good style.

    The mad scientist thinks bowling and bowlers could use similar tapes to compare the good games to the bad games of each bowler.

    Then there are the new electronic marvels that can detect the slightest differences when strikes come easy and strikes come tough.

    The mad scientist knows that all the technology in the world will not replace superb instinct and natural ability and overflowing desire to excel, and those are the components he can not clone for his Super Bowler.

    He agrees that no scientist or amount of technology or coaching can replace the internal factors that determine champions.

    Using a thoroughbred racing as an example, he said a jockey can lose a race for a horse but a jockey can't win a race for a horse unless the jockey jumps out of the saddle and can carry the horse over the finish line ahead of all his rivals.

    That's solid horse sense.

    Sorry, No Email address for mad scientist or his mad wife.